What Dreams May Come
by LudoJudo
Summary: Dylan helps Lofty with his most difficult case.


**To The Stars And Back**

Author: LudoJudo

Summary: Dylan helps Lofty with his most difficult case.

Characters: Dylan Keogh and Ben 'Lofty' Chiltern

Rating: PG/15. A short story, but with a theme some people might find upsetting. (Mention of a child's death.)

Notes: This hasn't been checked, so sorry about that. I use a lot of commas and my spelling is the worst. I did my best with the Merriam-Webster dictionary app.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to BBC, Casualty, the shows various writers and probably a few other people, just not me, unfortunately:(

Feedback: If you want to, sure. But please be kind, I have a delicate system!

Dylan headed over to 'his' bench. He'd come to think of it as his, as he'd stop off there at least once a day if not more, it's also the place he got to privately say goodbye to Dervla before taking her to doggy day care.

He liked the peace and quite the bench provided, it should have been anything but being so close to the entrance to the ED and the noise of the ambulance bay, but once he was sat down it's as if everything around the bench became white noise. There was a serenity to it, a haven in the chaos of Holby. He was close enough to the department and where he could do the most good, but well enough away to take some time out and breathe and practise some of the wellness exercises Dr. Harding had given him.

As he walked under the glass ceiling of the ambulance bay he noticed a familiar figure occupying his favourite seat.

"Do you mind?" Dylan asked pointing to the empty space on the bench.

"Sure." Said Lofty, his torso leaning over his thighs, his elbows resting on his knees, and his hands rubbing against each other making a swishing sound. Dylan could sense something bothering Lofty but wasn't sure if he should ask. He knew he wasn't the most empathetic of people, but he did like to think of Lofty as a friend along with Zoe and..., well he could think of others later. He wanted to help Lofty if he could.

"Ok?"

"Yeah." Lofty stopped rubbing is hands having the suspicion that the act was giving him away.

Dylan continued to look across at Lofty not quite sure what to say to that. He was so used to Lofty being open and honest and giving every detail of a problem. Dylan leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees mirroring Lofty.

"Are you sure everything's ok?"

Lofty repeated his first answer "Yeah". He stood up and wiped his palms against his thighs more in a nervous gesture than anything else.

"I should be getting back. I just needed some air."

Dylan felt a splodge of rain hit the top of his head and thought it the perfect excuse to follow his friend back inside "Yes, I'll come too, it's starting to rain anyway."

The doctor and nurse got a few feet inside the entrance of the department when Rita walked up to Lofty.

"Lofty I've left the last offices box next to Alex Henry's bed. The parents are in my office I'll come and find you in 10minutes."

Lofty starred at Rita knowing what his next duty was to be and not looking forward to it one bit. "Yeah ok."

And with the acknowledgement of his job Rita headed back towards her office.

Dylan could see that Lofty was uncomfortable with his next task. Lofty looked at Dylan, plastered on a fake half smile "Best get to it." And with that he walked away into a small private room.

Dylan knew what Rita had asked of Lofty. Last offices were never an easy thing, preparing a deceased body ready for the relatives to see and making sure that everything was correct was difficult. Everything had to be perfect because there was only one chance to get it right.

Dylan headed over to the room, quietly opening the door and saw Lofty standing next to the bed starring at the body before him. He quickly jumped at the sudden intrusion into the room.

"What are you doing here?" He questioned.

"I thought I could give you a hand. If you want."

"It's a nurses job."

"I know."

"You're not a nurse." Lofty's brow furrowed in confusion.

"This is true."

Lofty looked down at the body and back up to Dylan realising what Dylan was offering. He didn't have to do this on his own.

"Thanks."

Dylan had seen the body and realised why it was such a difficult task. He could see a small boy, six years old, in a light green T-shirt with a picture of cartoon lion peaking out from thick blood stains. The boys strawberry blonde hair, similar to his own, dyed with streaks of blood from a deep wound on his head. The unlucky victim of a hit-and-run.

Lofty stretched a pair of latex gloves onto each hand and offered another pair across to Dylan. He stood for a moment just building up courage to continue. Dylan allowed Lofty to make the first move, it was his job after all, but he also knew he needed to do this, to take the lead, so he waited to get his instructions from the young nurse.

Lofty removed the oxygen mask so he could begin to make Alex presentable. He took a pair of safety scissors and cut up each trouser leg removing the soiled denim, he did the same to the T-shirt. Once the clothing was removed he gently used damp cotton wool pads to wipe away the drying blood on the boys face, the soft white squares quickly becoming pink. While Lofty was busy cleaning Alex's face, Dylan took the discarded clothes and placed them into yellow bags, he exited the room and placed the bag into a bin ready to be incinerated. Dylan returned to the room where Lofty was rubbing a damp towel over the boys reddened hair, removing all traces of the bloody trauma he'd endured. The nurse placed a clean gown over the top of the body, threading Alex's left arm through the sleeve of the gown while Dylan did the same with the right arm. They lowed the limbs straight onto the bed. Lofty removed the cannula from the back of his hand and covered the mark with a small plaster.

Lofty took a clean crisp white sheet and covered it over the body, bringing the sheet upto the child's neck and folding the excess back down the bed leaving a young pale face on show. The nurse took a small black brush and combed it thought the boys hair. His final task, they were finished. Lofty and Dylan stood either side of the small boy. Dylan looked over at Lofty who seemed drained.

Ok? He questioned.

"Yeah." Lofty said barely audibly. He collected the supplies he'd been using, the discoloured cotton wool, the tainted towel, the plastic hairbrush and placed them into a bag. He snapped the latex gloves off each hand and added them to the bag along with the doctors. Dylan opened a side door to an empty room and dropped the bag out of sight.

Rita quietly entered the room to check if everything was ready.

"Am I ok to bring the parents in?"

Lofty stood silent so Dylan jumped in. "Yes, fine."

"Ok, I'll bring them in now. Are you ok to stay with them, Lofty?"

"What?" He said shocked.

Rita explained. "You were the nurse who treated Alex."

"I suppose. Yeah, ok." Lofty said resigned.

Rita exited the room and re-entered seconds later bringing with her the mother and father.

"Mr. and Mrs. Henry. You can take as much time as you need. Nurse Chiltern can answer any questions that you have."

Lofty stood over to the side his body flush against the glass wall, not wanting to intrude on the parents grief. Dylan followed him and stood at his side, knowing this was one of his hardest cases.

Mrs. Henry walked over to the side of the bed, her husband took the other. They gently cradled the small cold bare hands in their warm ones.

Mrs. Henry brought her other hand to her lips, visibly shaking not quite believing her only child was gone. She turned to Lofty with tears in her eyes.

"Can I kiss him?"

Lofty's voice hitched, he swallowed hard, "Yes, yes of course."

She stepped forward, her hand still holding his and delicately kissed his forehead. She ran her hand through his hair, slightly damp but oblivious to the reason why. The father stood silent staring at the face of his six-year old boy, not able to vocalise what was happening.

The mother looked at his sleeping face "I love you to the stars and back." She said. Mr. Henry let out a sob at his wife's words and repeated them "To the stars and back." A family secret between the three of them. They both let go of their sons hands and laid them back on the bed. Mr. Henry planted a gentle kiss to his sons forehead, covering the barely noticeable lipstick mark his wife had unknowingly left.

Mr. Henry walked around to his wife and wrapped his arms around her and her around him, they both began to cry into each others shoulder. Once they'd settled after a couple of minutes they turned to leave the room when Mrs. Henry walked over to Lofty. She took his hand in her's, the same hand that had just been holding her lifeless sons only moments ago. "Thank you for everything you did for him. It must be so difficult for you."

Lofty smiled kindly and she left the room, her exhausted body supported by her husband. He watched them, through the window, walk out of the department past waiting patients unconscious to their loss.

Lofty returned to Alex. Dylan stood and silently watched him. The nurse picked up the excess sheet and lifted it upwards. "I'm so sorry." With that he pulled the sheet over Alex's face.

Lofty left the room quickly needing to get away, his whole body shaking he didn't know why, which scared him most of all. He'd seen dead bodies before, done last offices before, elderly patients, children, why was this so different? He didn't know, but he couldn't think of it anymore. He felt like he needed to go into a dark room, no vision no sound nothing to disturb his senses. He just needed the feeling to stop, the shaking, the sorrow, the fear to stop. Dylan followed him out of the room and watched him quickly rush through the department. The doctor tried to follow him but was stopped by Rita.

"Where's he going on such a hurry?"

"I think he's just upset. Children they're never easy.

"I thought he'd been acting a bit strange."

"Then why didn't you do the last offices yourself?" He said annoyed.

"Excuse me but all my nursing staff have to do it. If it was really so difficult he should have said."

"When he's trying to impress you to get a promotion? Maybe you should have noticed." He said raising his voice.

Rita had got defensive because deep down she knew the doctor had a point. The nurses where her responsibility, she was senior and knew the emergency department was one of the most stressful of the hospital departments, she needed to make sure they were coping, even if it was a job they'd done a hundred times before. She knew never to assume.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'll go and speak to him. "

"No. I will. I'm sorry. I'm worried. I've never seen him like that before." Dylan left Rita and went after Lofty.

He entered the staff room, Lofty was stood with his back to the door and his hands leaning on the white breakfast counter.

"Lofty?"

"Don't. Just don't say anything. I know I screwed up." He said not turning to face Dylan.

"You didn't screw up. How did you screw up?"

"I'm a nurse, I shouldn't be getting upset by this stuff."

"A six-year old boy died, of course you're going to be upset, it's natural."

"She took my hand and thanked me. 'Thank you for everything you did.'" He quoted. " How can she do that? How can she be so kind when I didn't do anything. I don't understand."

"You would prefer she scream and shout at you?"

"I..." He paused. "...I think I would."

Dylan thought back to some of the grieving relatives he'd had to break terrible news to. A sea of faces flashed by with the full spectrum of emotions. He'd had indifference, people collapse, crying, shock and every feeling inbetween.

"We all do. I think it's easier to process. We feel a certain level of guilt when we lose a patient, probably because we were the last people to see them alive. We couldn't save them. The relatives unleashing their anger on us feels like...atonement."

Lofty sat down on one of the breakfast bar stools, exhausted. "Sometimes I wonder why I do this job."

"Because you're good at it." Dylan said sincerely.

"I could be a good..." Lofty looked around the room for inspiration and then spotted Honey walk past the door with her tea trolley "..barista."

"You'd have third degree burns on your hands after 15minutes." Dylan said honestly.

Lofty let out a small laugh at the suggestion that any job he did he's be a clumsy oaf, but immediately felt guilty for the moment of levity and became somber again.

"He was so small, how can you hit a child and drive away?"

"I don't know."

"I don't...I just..." His voice started to shake and his breathing became more rapid. Dylan stepped forward and took him in his arms allowing the nurse to finally break down. Lofty let out a muffled sob into Dylan's chest.

The doctor held onto Lofty while he stayed seated. He spoke softly, his words getting lost in the mop of curly hair. "It's ok, it's going to be ok."

Lofty held on tight, his hands gripping onto the back of Dylan's shirt, he needed to feel close to someone he needed a friend. His tears rolled down his cheeks and marked the front of Dylan's shirt. The staff room door opened and Jack and Max walked in. Jack's initial reaction was as if he'd stumbled into a juicy bit of gossip but then he heard the smallest of sobs from Lofty and knew he was wrong.

Dylan turned to the door and shouted. "Out!" Needing no more words to explain.

Jack and Max knew not to question him. They turned and left closing the door behind them.

Dylan gently pulled Lofty away from his chest and looked down into his face.

"Do you want to go home?"

Lofty shook his head "No, I want to finish my shift." He'd stopped crying and his breathing had normalised, but his eyes were still red from the fallen tears.

"You don't have to. No one would expect you to. There's only 30mins left anyway."

"No, I want to finish." Lofty said more determined.

"Ok". Dylan felt proud of his protege. " I have a patient and I could use a nurse. So how about you spend the last 30minutes with me?"

Lofty looked at Dylan with relief, he didn't think he'd be able to make it through on his own.

"That would be good."

They both exited the staff room. Lofty knowing that in 30minutes time his most difficult shift would be over but he wouldn't be alone.


End file.
